"It's time we started our own struggle."
- #19 Mimura


Which Battle Royale Character are You?
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Agua bendita

Patuloy na pumapatak
ang tubig
tila asidong
tumutunaw
sa aking pagkaTao
sa bawat pag-agos
kasamang tinatangay
ang aking
Kamalayan

Mananatiling bato
hanggat di humuhupa
hahayaang dalhin
ang lahat
ng aking
Pagdurusa

*i wrote this before..i just can't remember when..but i guess i was sad then..

And so finally I've decided

I'm taking up Nursing.

THE END.

Oo... tama ka

Pitik-bulag by buzzman (peyups.com)

Malupit magparusa ang katahimikan, bumabaon ang hagupit ng oras sa aking isip.

Balang araw, babakbakin ng ulan at init ang mga rebultong bayani para ilantad ang kabaliwan ng mga puta, pari, senador, at mga kampon ni Satanas sa mga palasyo at palengke.

Ang di marunong umiyak ay walang pagmamahal, dahil ang luha ay nagmumula sa kaluluwa at ang kaluluwa ay kalahati ng sariling naglalaman ng kunsensiya.

Nakadestino ang lahat sa Ferris Wheel― sakay-baba, paikot-ikot.

Kung minsan, mas malalang droga ang ideolohiya o prinsipyo.

Ako ang nagbuntis, ako ang ilaw, pero sino ang nagmamay-ari ng tahanan? Sa aking laman nagka-ugat ang kasaysayan, iniluluwa sa pagitan ng aking hita ang lahat ng bayani.

Hindi mo nakita na multo ang mga prayle, nagbabago ang anyo, nagpapalit-kulay tulad ng hunyango. Paano lilitisin ang mga multo na nagpapalit ng kasarinlan?

Love that Boy or Girl or Movie

"There's a chance that rules may not accommodate your plans. You need to determine whether thats a problem with you or with the world. Just don't expect reflection from neither parties of life becomes miserable."
---Love that boy



Well that's something to think about.

The one who fade away

Due to my deep urge to kill time I found myself exploring over things that I wouldn't normally do. Its not that I don't want to, its just that I don't have the time or possibly there are more productive things other than doing almost nothing. And so my recollection began with exploring these pieces or memory that you left behind.

As my eyes glide into this I felt like I'm warped back to those times. Those times when I was convinced that you were the greatest artist I ever met. You painted my world with colors and shapes like no one did. You carved me dreams that are so detailed I thought it was real. You created melodies that made my heart sway in ways that no song could ever match. For that I could say that you crafted my world perfectly and I was more than willing to surrender the blueprint of my identity.

Then little by little I gave myself to you. Though my system rejects it I still fought off this immunity. I told myself that you are different, very different from the bacteria that once infested my heart. In fact I once thought you were really part of me. How can I not think so if we hunger for the same rhythm and thirst for the same reason.

But slowly the colors you painted started to fade and so as my feelings for you. It lost colors and it also took away the dreams and melodies you once created. And that signaled the end.

Do not worry for I do not hate you for that. I have the least regret on doing and believing those things. For it may have snatched my sanity for quite some time but it reminded me that I was human. And I am for many reasons.

*this is not really true but almost*
*just like what i said i wrote this to kill time..no..its not what you think.*
:)

What if..?

What would you do if one day all the reasons that ignite you just run out? Would you still run and chase it? Would you still do it even if there's no assurance that you can have it back? Is it still worth doing all that?

What if along the way you stumbled upon something new, something that seemed different that you asked yourself why now? Would you change path, take the less travelled and frequently judged?

Then you finally gained consciousness. Life is playing with you again. It shows you all its cards, give you the chance to choose but whatever you do you know you'll still lose (in one way or another).

Don't underestimate me because I've learned from before. I can see your next move. But what should I do then?

For now I will leave. Take a vacation, a break or something that could stop this even for just a moment or two. But is it right? Is is the best thing to do? Questions are the things I can only provide and answers are not mine. In the end we'll just leave it all behind. So why am I still caring?

Because I am still living. So until then.

Question

I am completely drowned with so many questions that I don't know know if its worth asking anymore. Then I just suddenly stop, erase the other and let this single question linger in my mind. Maybe this was the root of all of this. Maybe this was my reason for this suffering.

"What do I really want?"

Then again a million question travel inside my head in more than 100 per second. Answers were nowhere again. Confusion is reigning in, on, and between me. Back to square one.

All my patience is sucked by the bitterness. The enthusiasm they say has long been gone and used up. Hopes are not born in this miserable body of mine. I don't believe in superman. Time is fleeing away with my life.

If anyone knows what to do in this moment please tell me. I've been suffering for a lifetime already and I'm afraid that I might not hold on for long . I need you who ever you are, whatever you are, where you are.

I need myself back.

Its not about the cat

Take Care of My Cat (Korean Movie - 2001)

One of the greatest Korean movies I've ever seen.

Going back!

Its been a long almost a year...no...but it seems like it...since I last posted here..things, time or I have been so busing with my schooling, thinking about everything, worrying about anything or most of the time doing nothing. I hope that I could say a lot of things now since its really been a bit long but then I could never know..lets just wait and see what my muse will dictate me...

An Update to what going on with me lately...

I could not summarize all that has happened cause even if its just weeks it would take years (oh im exaggerating again!) for me to write it and for you to read it (that is if anyone bothers to visit my blog)

reality check - - I failed all my exams since semi-finals (intentionally?...i guess..why...im not so certain)
time check - - five more days and hell week will pass and judgement day will come (i will get what i deserve)
lifestyle check - - i've spend most of my time (if not all) watching movies, tv or sleeping (believe it or not..im sleeping)
vital signs - - i ate an average of 5 meals per day but still i didn't gain any significant amount of weight
answers -- wrong :)

weve taken a few pictures for our project and..ok...remembrance...if we..unluckyly failed to maintain the quota in our course (there a higher chance that it will happen)



And... a few thoughts of mine...

There were a few articles that i read from Peyups (yes...i admit in a peyups addict...and no.. im not yet ready for detoxification) that really struck me hard (ouch!) because i saw within it my own reflection

1. Mask (apocalypse)
"How could you radiate such peacefulness when you are full of angst inside, full of complaints against the world, burning with hate, plotting every minute for the destruction of human race? How could you be so gentle even if you are chaos personified? How could you be so meek when beneath that thick skull of yours is a diabolical mind? It seems you are too good to be true, too impossible to exist, too inhuman to be human, how could you be so? "

- - I totally agree. How is it possible? Why do people expect you to be good when they do not know and understand well what you trully feel (or suffer)? They are probably misinformed, deceived or blinded with the truths of the world. How could they possibly know? Impossible.
Lucky for this person for he had found that person who can..even if not truly understand but at least grasp even just a bit of his heart and mind. Lucky for him for he has a lifesaver whenever he drowns in the uncertain ocean of thoughts he chose to venture. Maybe he was more than lucky... he is blessed and I know that I'm not and I could never be (maybe because I greatly doubt that he is really there). I admit it would be better if I also have one...but then for now or until i do not know.. i'll hold on to myself and I won't expect for her/him to come.

2. Cliche of Melodrama (linchpin)
"But you’re not pining for somebody. You’re not crying for someone else. But you want to—it would make more sense if you did. It would not do well to cry over lost coins and wishing wells; the failure of missing shooting stars; the incomprehensibility of mourning the death of a single ant carrying a portion of a crumb on its tiny little back, calling yourself a murderer until you are persuaded by your guilt. What if suddenly, you are too tired to dream? That suddenly, everything makes so much sense that you just have to accept them at face value. You only want to see what’s logical. You want to dwell on what’s real."

Shit!(sorry I just can't help it)..something just stabbed me..something just created a BIG HOLE inside me.
It is true... definitely true... undeniably true... and it happened, happens, and (I think) will continue to happen to me. These are the moments when pain is engulfing you wholely that you can't determine where it started, what caused it and what can make it stop. To elborate further, those times when you knew no one and nothing could make it stop and you've got nothing left to do but endure it, learn from it, and make the most out of it. Then after it you can't even lift a single finger of your body because all of who you are, the things you have worked hard for long and the dreams you have carefully woven is sucked by the "melodrama" which lasted for only a few minutes or hours. Too tired, you have no choice but just to go with the flow because resisting it demands a lot of energy which you lack now. (oh..i just rephrased it...but thats it..thats what i intend to say)

3. The Hermit (lastboyonearth)
"The secret of life," he continued, voice turning to a stage whisper that I was sure everyone could hear anyway, "is numbness."
"'Tis simple, really. The older you are, the more numb you get. Eventually, you stop feeling anything. Joy, Pain, whatever. It's all a blur to you. Nothing you can do can change this. It's the law of nature, boy. When that happens, nothing can save you."

Oh my!...another...
At first I didn't quite get what the author means by this but when I repeatedly read it I finally grasped it. But still it left me wondering...pondering on why he said it and how true is it. After a few hours of mind bending analysis Icame up with a conclusion..that is...he is right..but not totally(or is it?). How could the secret of life be numbness? He had answered it already but I'll try to simplify it according to my understanding. You become numb the older you get because the experiences you faced made you tougher. It increases your treshold for pain... by being immune to the events that you previously encountered. This really applies in our lives but numbness might be an unsuitable term for it. Numbness is characterized by absence of sensation. We can feel the pain (that is why it is unsuitable) but the only difference is that the effects of it is not as much as is does the first time. We now know the mechanisms for coping against it. And I believe that "stronger" is a better term for it.
On the other hand he might be totally true but it only applies for certain persons (or instances). There are times that we become numb of the things that are happening to us. We developed a kind of "comfortability" with it and it passess like every other normal thing. If this happens we become so pitiful and just like what he said, "nothing can save you". I hope I (or we) will never come to this point.

:)